“Watching someone be in a weird codependent death spiral with someone else always makes them deeply unattractive…and perfect for reality television.”—Violet Johnson, Food Engineer for Large Conveyance Operators, Thalia, TX
“Scooter, don’t waist your energy on impossible pursuits, like curing cancer or world peace. Dream smaller to dream bigger, son: become the first man to have a fully self-replenishing chocolate arm that one may cannibalize at will. It’s not only practical in a survival situation, but will make you very popular with the ladies.”—Wynbrough Love, father, pragmatist, chocolate enthusiast.
“I, for one, am looking forward to the past in which I didn’t know this b*tch was loose.”— Timmy “T-Bones” Bones, referring to the most annoying person in everyone’s social network with the most mind-blowingly obnoxious status updates.
“If you cry long, hard, and loud enough in a mall food court, eventually some one will offer you some fries and call security.”—Moira Birdsnuff, Emotional Eater, Sometimes Resident of the East Swedshon County Hospital Psych Ward
“Roger, it’s like this. Celebrity, when thought of in terms of its latin context ‘celibratas’ meaning ‘honored,’ is a state of being well known for a prestigious and remarkable deed or trait. Roger, Dr. Cal Mitchly is a celebrity, famous for his ability to perform life-saving appendectomies while underwater and blindfolded. Webrity is the condition of rising from relative obscurity to momentary notoriety due to the videotaping and upload of a sexual act forced upon an unwitting bucket of popcorn shrimp on the hood of a Volvo in the drive-thru lane at Arby’s. Roger, your wife is a webrity, not a celebrity.”—Feilding Rutt, Cultural Anthropologist, Barkeep
“Every now and again, you have to piss out the window; it’s the way they did it in the old times, which is why women walk outside of men. Which brings me to my next point: don’t time travel to the past; it’s disgusting.”—Morgan’s Law of Time Travel
“Are you a treasure monkey? Are you a silly giraffe? Let’s drink GlooWooh laced with hemlock by the carafe!”—Sylvia Lightbody, Wildlife Aficionado, Recent Chapter 11 Filer, CEO of now defunct GlooWooh Chocolate Gluten Byproducts Inc., Newest Involuntary Resident of Milton Behavioral Medicine Institution
“There’s a point where male-female communication will break down completely every time and the male will stop listening to anything the female has to say; this is normally triggered by the words “Pottery Barn”, “Crate & Barrel”, or even “Bed Bath and Beyond.””— Quenton Meet, Widdler
“Much like fish and visitors, coasters will grow to your body if you sit on them for 78 days straight, although it’s harder to keep fish and visitors still for that long.”—Wellworth Yellowberry, A Man Who Knows How to “Sit”
“Advice from a Father to a son: Change your name and pretend you never had aspirations. Become a disc jockey in your hometown and sleep with high school girls. Eat a lot of sausage and beer and accidentally start a couple of families you can’t support and get thrown in jail for student loan “evasion” and talk about how good you were in Hamlet to anyone who will listen and then have a motorscooter accident at 4am on I-94 just outside of Milwaukee by the Girl Scout Headquarters and live the rest of your life painting frogs in a mental hospital for the criminally insane and sell pictures of your fat hairy *ss on the internet while covering yourself in beans for 72 hours and calling it some sort of world record.”—Sheb Shebberson, Sage, Baked Bean Submersion World Record Holder
“I think it’s time you ponied up and took that bull by the horns and seized that magic midget in the sky you’ve so gingerly avoided becoming emotionally invested in. Life is too short to let fleece-lined felt-muffs just sit in a drawer all winter while your fingers crack and bleed like an aging concubine with advanced syphilis. Enough is enough: get off your duff and conquer your fears of the night, ride into the great dust bowl with an inadequate supply of water in a cantene lined with lead paint.”—Walt Pitz, Glue Connoisseur
“Morgan’s Law of Social Introductions: When introduced into a social structure where there is a firm social structure in place, the first two people you meet are the two people you want to avoid the most.”—T. Morgan, Peddler of Wares