August 2011
1 post
“Watching someone be in a weird codependent death spiral with someone else always...”
– Violet Johnson, Food Engineer for Large Conveyance Operators, Thalia, TX
July 2011
1 post
“You can’t say smother without mother.”
– Clancy P. Merribottom, proud tree-house dweller
June 2010
2 posts
3 tags
“2 parts water, 12 parts pork.”
– Hank Smallet’s Homeopathic Cure-All Remedy Recipe
6 tags
“You know it’s time to do dishes when you’re eating oatmeal out of a...”
– Philomena Tenderfoot, Busy Person
May 2010
4 posts
5 tags
“Scooter, don’t waist your energy on impossible pursuits, like curing...”
– Wynbrough Love, father, pragmatist, chocolate enthusiast.
7 tags
“Sociopath is just a fancy name for ‘Go-Getter.’”
– Sue “Lipstick Python” Slightbody, Former Mary Fay Cosmetics Rep, awaiting trial in Alabama for the disappearance of several rival coworkers
4 tags
“Do not check the “donor” option on your Driver’s Licencse if...”
– Cricket Smack’s Mom, Wisdom-Peddler
3 tags
“I, for one, am looking forward to the past in which I didn’t know this...”
– Timmy “T-Bones” Bones, referring to the most annoying person in everyone’s social network with the most mind-blowingly obnoxious status updates.
April 2010
5 posts
2 tags
“I left my riding crop in San Francisco.”
– Tita Testeverde, Pharmacist, Has Never Ridden a Horse
4 tags
“Being really, really wet is way better than being really, really on fire.”
– Mikey Mungowicz, Super-Slide Operator at Aquanaut’s Splash Galaxy, former Flaming Dessert Chef
7 tags
“If you cry long, hard, and loud enough in a mall food court, eventually some one...”
– Moira Birdsnuff, Emotional Eater, Sometimes Resident of the East Swedshon County Hospital Psych Ward
4 tags
“It’s all fun and games until someone wakes up in a shallow grave next to a...”
– Trix McScotch, Master Substance Abuser, Life of the Party, Village Idiot
5 tags
“You can never be sure until you poke it with a stick.”
– Dr. Addox Dip, Swedshon County Coroner, Recipient of the Indiana Medical Examiner of the Year Award
March 2010
19 posts
6 tags
“Roger, it’s like this. Celebrity, when thought of in terms of its latin...”
– Feilding Rutt, Cultural Anthropologist, Barkeep
“Time heals all bullsh*t.”
– Angry Jo Mischko, cantankerous old man, sage
2 tags
“Every now and again, you have to piss out the window; it’s the way they...”
– Morgan’s Law of Time Travel
6 tags
“Abandoned wells were built for fall’n in”
– Tagbert Thonge, Sinsiter Lurking-Type, Prone to Sneering, Local “tough guy.”
1 tag
“The only way to achieve the impossible is to pay for a certificate that says you...”
– Henry Babbitch, Unlicensed Practitioner of Many Trades
3 tags
“Dating is like sticking your fist in a blender and praying it’s unplugged...”
– Tanya Feildwash, Smoothie Lover, Lonely Hearts Club President
6 tags
“Are you a treasure monkey? Are you a silly giraffe? Let’s drink GlooWooh...”
– Sylvia Lightbody, Wildlife Aficionado, Recent Chapter 11 Filer, CEO of now defunct GlooWooh Chocolate Gluten Byproducts Inc., Newest Involuntary Resident of Milton Behavioral Medicine Institution
2 tags
“Nothing worth having ever comes easy or without possible jail time.”
– Roddick Gilcrest, Ceramic Artist, Kleptomaniac
5 tags
“Nobody can make you feel inferior unless you are inferior… You are...”
– Heleanor Woosevelt, First Lady of Wibbley County, Your Mother-in-Law
8 tags
“Where there’s lemurs, there’s love.”
– Barth Woodbine, author of “This Moose Ain’t for Court’n: An Anthology of Early American Folk Music Regarding the Societal Subjugation of Desire”
4 tags
“Peanut butter on your stomach is one step closer to the success of failure.”
– Wade Foyle, Shut-In
5 tags
“Home is where the people who drove you to therapy and booze are.”
– Alan “Dark Moth” Schecter, Charter Hospital Lifetime Member, Journal-Keeper
1 tag
“Oysters are the Vaginas of the Sea.”
– Ron Sqaw, Oyster Farmer, Sex Positive Editor of the Clamdigger Monthly
5 tags
Gas is when your colon whispers "I love you."
Sonya Wolfczek, Amateur Bowel Pundit, Author of “Bean There, Done that: A Guide to Legume Living”
4 tags
“The Airport Sheraton Hotel Bar is where dignity goes to die.”
– Rawley Spence, Airport Sheraton Hotel Bar Bartender / Soothsayer
6 tags
“There’s a point where male-female communication will break down completely...”
– Quenton Meet, Widdler
3 tags
“Depression smells like canola oil and broken dreams.”
– Phyllis Rosenthal, failed baker, former owner of “Fundtbuckers: Sassy Bundt Cakes for all occasions”
3 tags
“The easiest way to cement an iron-clad insanity plea is to eat your shoe while...”
– Clovis Wank, Career Felon
4 tags
“Nothing spells “Euthanasia” like a pair of Crocs.”
– Patsy Bittlebaum, Lifelong Birkenstock Enthusiast
February 2010
15 posts
6 tags
“He that LOLs most, SOLs most.”
– Rutger Winklebee, Internet Predator
*SOL: Sadding-Out-Loud
3 tags
“Like revenge, a speculum is best served cold.”
– Dr. Dennis Klegbuck, Proctologist
3 tags
“Much like fish and visitors, coasters will grow to your body if you sit on them...”
– Wellworth Yellowberry, A Man Who Knows How to “Sit”
6 tags
“Advice from a Father to a son: Change your name and pretend you never had...”
– Sheb Shebberson, Sage, Baked Bean Submersion World Record Holder
4 tags
“If a puppy is to be convicted in the state of Mississippi, he must be shown to...”
– Tray Deetersmithe IV, Civil Servant, Cat Lover
5 tags
“A pantry full of baby formula will not fill the emptiness of your Play Station.”
– Phil Crotton, Jr., Level 4 Death Gauntlet Master, Recent Paternity Test Winner (has requested a “Do-over”)
4 tags
“He that waiteth, raketh. He that ho’eth, get gonorrhea fo’...”
– Rev. Archibald Billsack, Abstainer, Ladies’ Shoe Collector
3 tags
“A hand is best lent when the pocket is promised a cash reward.”
– Martin Merman, Good Samaritan
7 tags
“I think it’s time you ponied up and took that bull by the horns and seized...”
– Walt Pitz, Glue Connoisseur
3 tags
“A stitch in time is better than a gaping wound & toxemia.”
– Horatio Talmudge, Sword-Weilder
3 tags
“Morgan’s Law of Social Introductions: When introduced into a social...”
– T. Morgan, Peddler of Wares
3 tags
“Every time a bell rings, someone just rang a bell.”
– Kip Dirkman, amateur Sleuth
3 tags
“People Who Live in Glass Houses Should Throw Felt.”
– Myrtle Festigout, mine shaft enthusiast
3 tags
“A bird in the bush is a pretty pissed off bird in a bush.”
– Selwyn Monteith-Fork, enjoys: odors & pronged utensils, dislikes: anagrams
3 tags
“Kick a Pigeon, Save the Empire.”
– Harpley Del Tako, master of tepid baths