“Roger, it’s like this. Celebrity, when thought of in terms of its latin context ‘celibratas’ meaning ‘honored,’ is a state of being well known for a prestigious and remarkable deed or trait. Roger, Dr. Cal Mitchly is a celebrity, famous for his ability to perform life-saving appendectomies while underwater and blindfolded. Webrity is the condition of rising from relative obscurity to momentary notoriety due to the videotaping and upload of a sexual act forced upon an unwitting bucket of popcorn shrimp on the hood of a Volvo in the drive-thru lane at Arby’s. Roger, your wife is a webrity, not a celebrity.”
—Feilding Rutt, Cultural Anthropologist, Barkeep
March 2010
19 posts
“Time heals all bullsh*t.”
—Angry Jo Mischko, cantankerous old man, sage
“Every now and again, you have to piss out the window; it’s the way they did it in the old times, which is why women walk outside of men. Which brings me to my next point: don’t time travel to the past; it’s disgusting.”
—Morgan’s Law of Time Travel
“Abandoned wells were built for fall’n in”
—Tagbert Thonge, Sinsiter Lurking-Type, Prone to Sneering, Local “tough guy.”
“The only way to achieve the impossible is to pay for a certificate that says you did it online.”
—Henry Babbitch, Unlicensed Practitioner of Many Trades
“Dating is like sticking your fist in a blender and praying it’s unplugged when you hit pulse.”
—Tanya Feildwash, Smoothie Lover, Lonely Hearts Club President
“Are you a treasure monkey? Are you a silly giraffe? Let’s drink GlooWooh laced with hemlock by the carafe!”
—Sylvia Lightbody, Wildlife Aficionado, Recent Chapter 11 Filer, CEO of now defunct GlooWooh Chocolate Gluten Byproducts Inc., Newest Involuntary Resident of Milton Behavioral Medicine Institution
“Nothing worth having ever comes easy or without possible jail time.”
—Roddick Gilcrest, Ceramic Artist, Kleptomaniac
“Nobody can make you feel inferior unless you are inferior… You are inferior.”
—Heleanor Woosevelt, First Lady of Wibbley County, Your Mother-in-Law
“Where there’s lemurs, there’s love.”
—Barth Woodbine, author of “This Moose Ain’t for Court’n: An Anthology of Early American Folk Music Regarding the Societal Subjugation of Desire”
“Peanut butter on your stomach is one step closer to the success of failure.”
—Wade Foyle, Shut-In
“Home is where the people who drove you to therapy and booze are.”
—Alan “Dark Moth” Schecter, Charter Hospital Lifetime Member, Journal-Keeper
“Oysters are the Vaginas of the Sea.”
—Ron Sqaw, Oyster Farmer, Sex Positive Editor of the Clamdigger Monthly
Gas is when your colon whispers "I love you."
Sonya Wolfczek, Amateur Bowel Pundit, Author of “Bean There, Done that: A Guide to Legume Living”
“The Airport Sheraton Hotel Bar is where dignity goes to die.”
—Rawley Spence, Airport Sheraton Hotel Bar Bartender / Soothsayer
“There’s a point where male-female communication will break down completely every time and the male will stop listening to anything the female has to say; this is normally triggered by the words “Pottery Barn”, “Crate & Barrel”, or even “Bed Bath and Beyond.”
— Quenton Meet, Widdler
“Depression smells like canola oil and broken dreams.”
—Phyllis Rosenthal, failed baker, former owner of “Fundtbuckers: Sassy Bundt Cakes for all occasions”
“The easiest way to cement an iron-clad insanity plea is to eat your shoe while in police custody.”
—Clovis Wank, Career Felon
“Nothing spells “Euthanasia” like a pair of Crocs.”
—Patsy Bittlebaum, Lifelong Birkenstock Enthusiast
