Hometown Wisdom Neighborly Advice

"Watching someone be in a weird codependent death spiral with someone else always makes them deeply..."

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 16:38:26 -0400

“Watching someone be in a weird codependent death spiral with someone else always makes them deeply unattractive…and perfect for reality television.”

- Violet Johnson, Food Engineer for Large Conveyance Operators, Thalia, TX

"You can’t say smother without mother."

Tue, 12 Jul 2011 22:06:21 -0400

“You can’t say smother without mother.”

- Clancy P. Merribottom, proud tree-house dweller

"2 parts water, 12 parts pork."

Wed, 23 Jun 2010 14:28:10 -0400

“2 parts water, 12 parts pork.”

- Hank Smallet’s Homeopathic Cure-All Remedy Recipe

"You know it’s time to do dishes when you’re eating oatmeal out of a martini glass with a..."

Fri, 04 Jun 2010 11:48:39 -0400

“You know it’s time to do dishes when you’re eating oatmeal out of a martini glass with a chopstick.”

- Philomena Tenderfoot, Busy Person

"Scooter, don’t waist your energy on impossible pursuits, like curing cancer or world peace...."

Mon, 24 May 2010 16:51:05 -0400

“Scooter, don’t waist your energy on impossible pursuits, like curing cancer or world peace. Dream smaller to dream bigger, son: become the first man to have a fully self-replenishing chocolate arm that one may cannibalize at will. It’s not only practical in a survival situation, but will make you very popular with the ladies.”

- Wynbrough Love, father, pragmatist, chocolate enthusiast.

"Sociopath is just a fancy name for ‘Go-Getter.’"

Mon, 24 May 2010 14:30:30 -0400

“Sociopath is just a fancy name for ‘Go-Getter.’”

- Sue “Lipstick Python” Slightbody, Former Mary Fay Cosmetics Rep, awaiting trial in Alabama for the disappearance of several rival coworkers

"Do not check the “donor” option on your Driver’s Licencse if the idea of medical..."

Tue, 18 May 2010 15:45:00 -0400

“Do not check the “donor” option on your Driver’s Licencse if the idea of medical students laughing at your dead, naked body bothers you.”

- Cricket Smack’s Mom, Wisdom-Peddler

"I, for one, am looking forward to the past in which I didn’t know this b*tch was loose."

Thu, 06 May 2010 10:48:00 -0400

““I, for one, am looking forward to the past in which I didn’t know this b*tch was loose.””

- Timmy “T-Bones” Bones, referring to the most annoying person in everyone’s social network with the most mind-blowingly obnoxious status updates.

"I left my riding crop in San Francisco."

Fri, 30 Apr 2010 16:27:00 -0400

“I left my riding crop in San Francisco.”

- Tita Testeverde, Pharmacist, Has Never Ridden a Horse

"Being really, really wet is way better than being really, really on fire."

Mon, 19 Apr 2010 13:06:26 -0400

“Being really, really wet is way better than being really, really on fire.”

- Mikey Mungowicz, Super-Slide Operator at Aquanaut’s Splash Galaxy, former Flaming Dessert Chef

"If you cry long, hard, and loud enough in a mall food court, eventually some one will offer you some..."

Thu, 15 Apr 2010 10:40:40 -0400

“If you cry long, hard, and loud enough in a mall food court, eventually some one will offer you some fries and call security.”

- Moira Birdsnuff, Emotional Eater, Sometimes Resident of the East Swedshon County Hospital Psych Ward

"It’s all fun and games until someone wakes up in a shallow grave next to a dead horse in..."

Wed, 14 Apr 2010 17:43:28 -0400

“It’s all fun and games until someone wakes up in a shallow grave next to a dead horse in Tiajuana.”

- Trix McScotch, Master Substance Abuser, Life of the Party, Village Idiot

"You can never be sure until you poke it with a stick."

Wed, 14 Apr 2010 10:56:00 -0400

“You can never be sure until you poke it with a stick.”

- Dr. Addox Dip, Swedshon County Coroner, Recipient of the Indiana Medical Examiner of the Year Award

"Roger, it’s like this. Celebrity, when thought of in terms of its latin context..."

Tue, 23 Mar 2010 12:46:00 -0400

“Roger, it’s like this. Celebrity, when thought of in terms of its latin context ‘celibratas’ meaning ‘honored,’ is a state of being well known for a prestigious and remarkable deed or trait. Roger, Dr. Cal Mitchly is a celebrity, famous for his ability to perform life-saving appendectomies while underwater and blindfolded. Webrity is the condition of rising from relative obscurity to momentary notoriety due to the videotaping and upload of a sexual act forced upon an unwitting bucket of popcorn shrimp on the hood of a Volvo in the drive-thru lane at Arby’s. Roger, your wife is a webrity, not a celebrity.”

- Feilding Rutt, Cultural Anthropologist, Barkeep

"Time heals all bullsh*t."

Mon, 22 Mar 2010 16:42:47 -0400

“Time heals all bullsh*t.”

- Angry Jo Mischko, cantankerous old man, sage

"Every now and again, you have to piss out the window; it’s the way they did it in the old..."

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 13:31:00 -0400

“Every now and again, you have to piss out the window; it’s the way they did it in the old times, which is why women walk outside of men. Which brings me to my next point: don’t time travel to the past; it’s disgusting.”

- Morgan’s Law of Time Travel

"Abandoned wells were built for fall’n in"

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 16:33:49 -0400

“Abandoned wells were built for fall’n in”

- Tagbert Thonge, Sinsiter Lurking-Type, Prone to Sneering, Local “tough guy.”

"The only way to achieve the impossible is to pay for a certificate that says you did it online."

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 14:54:17 -0400

“The only way to achieve the impossible is to pay for a certificate that says you did it online.”

- Henry Babbitch, Unlicensed Practitioner of Many Trades

"Dating is like sticking your fist in a blender and praying it’s unplugged when you hit pulse."

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 11:06:05 -0400

“Dating is like sticking your fist in a blender and praying it’s unplugged when you hit pulse.”

- Tanya Feildwash, Smoothie Lover, Lonely Hearts Club President

"Are you a treasure monkey? Are you a silly giraffe? Let’s drink GlooWooh laced with hemlock by..."

Sat, 13 Mar 2010 01:30:31 -0500

“Are you a treasure monkey? Are you a silly giraffe? Let’s drink GlooWooh laced with hemlock by the carafe!”

- Sylvia Lightbody, Wildlife Aficionado, Recent Chapter 11 Filer, CEO of now defunct GlooWooh Chocolate Gluten Byproducts Inc., Newest Involuntary Resident of Milton Behavioral Medicine Institution